i have no idea how my mind works

i have no idea how my mind works.
sometimes,
i can be all positive,
thinking that nothing can bring me down,
i should be happy and grateful.
but within a few hours,
it can just overturn into something nasty.
and in the end,
i don't know how to react and troubles occur.

right now,
at this moment,
i am pleased with my life.
engaged to the one that i love.
safe and sound.
done with school.
life is just beginning for me.
i have so many things to look forward to.

seriously,
i am satisfied with my life.
but why at times life can be so deceiving?
why does it makes me feel unsatisfied?
craving for more?
makes me greedy and selfish.
how can i ever unblind myself?
most of the times i am disappointed with myself.
and i questioned myself "what have i become?"

what's lacked in me is trust in the Almighty.
i am afraid of challenges that i can't face.
instead of accepting the challenges head on,
i crumbled, i questioned my confidence.
take this analogy as an example.
a stranger giving sweets to a little kid.
all sweets are tempting,
but depends,
some are nice, to your liking,
while others are eeeeeeuuuhhhh, not nice.
just like the little kid,
i want the sweets.
but i am afraid that the sweets that i'm taking is not nice.
i have to accept that in reality,
all the sweets that you will be given won't be nice all the time.
the sweets here is refering to challenges.

one way that i've been reading to live my life happier is by trusting in the Almighty.
and i've been trying and never gonna give up trying.
one day, insyaAllah,
i will no longer live in constant fear but happy with life the way it is,
not to be blinded anymore.

i never want to harm people.
instead my wish is to share happiness and wisdom to people.
to make their life a satisfied one.

i have to learn from the past but that doesn't mean that i have to be reminded that i'm a failure.
failures are never easy to accept.
no one likes to be the loser.
thus,
take it as a lesson that won't happen again.
reflect and learn from it.

the present,
you can choose how you to want to act on it before it become a history.
and i know when i look back in my life,
i wouldn't want to have a life filled with regrets & sadness.
i want to believe that i did what i did because there isn't any better choice.

what inspires me to type this entry?
love.
love for the Almighty.
love for the partner.
love for my family.
love for my friends.

i just have to believe in myself.
and soon it will spread and i will feel the energy and changes.

away from the serious thoughts,
i had a good fun time with the partner yesterday.
we went for his friend wedding and he mentioned "honey, do you know that this is our first wedding as tunang?"
i really haven't immersed myself that i am his fiancee.
i still have yet to accept the fact that in no time,
insyaAllah, i will be his wife.

we managed to explore 313 @ somerset.
while walking past the stores outside,
it reminded us of japan.
just that the weather is hotter here and that the people there are much trendier.
it brought me back to the times when we were walking down the streets in japan entering the different shopping malls.
walking hand in hand happily and enjoy our conversation.
back to singapore,
the place was crowded with people.
it was okay la.

we had dinner at bbq chicken.
for the first time there,
the food was delicious.
yummy mushroom soup!
nice coleslaw.
great chicken!

what made me laugh was our funny and silly moves in the car.
i totally enjoyed myself today.

honey,
when i kiss your hand to salam you,
something weird happened to me.
that unexplainable respect and love i have for you.
you have no idea how grateful i am.