*takes a deep breath*
dearest mutalib,
this entry will be a sincere note from me to you.
lately, i have no idea what's gotten into me.
i've been putting a lot of pressure on you,
giving you unrealistic expectations,
been really unstable and unpredictable in my mood swings,
and i have to say,
i've been an awful partner.
making you giving in to me all the time,
i am too pampered by your unconditional love that i don't know the limits.
i have more (of your love) and i want more,
making me blinded by my own greediness.
and not thinking and understanding from your point of view.
i am ungrateful with what i've got,
that i forget the truly fun, happy times we used to have.
where our lives were filled with rainbows and butterflies.
due to me,
we often have trivial arguments that can be avoided.
i observed your every move as if anytime you're gonna hurt me (emotionally),
which was the last thing on your mind.
i know you love me so much that i've been taking advantage of it.
what happened to the girl you once knew?
why has she become an ugly person that doesn't appreciate your actions?
i really wonder what happened.
am i too obsessed with my imagination and negative thoughts,
with the "what ifs?" that is endless?
shame on me to keep complaining about how we can be a better couple,
i didn't see that we are already the best that we can be.
one day i can be full of praises for you,
but the next,
i complained of your actions.
i don't know why.
for the praises,
it's all true.
i felt it and i don't mind being a fool smiling to myself about you.
but when i was examining your actions,
i can't control myself but to criticise,
and that makes me angry unnecessarily.
and it will take you a lot of effort to make me feel better.
why was i being unreasonable?
i don't know honey.
i am in love with abdul mutalib mohamad not a person who i can manipulate.
i am sorry honey.
i am ashamed of my actions and my words that hurt you.
and yet,
you still forgive me time and time again.
never once you gave up hope on us.
you're serious about me and you want us to be together forever.
till you had a list of things you did to prepare us for our wedding.
on the evening of 3rd of march 09,
i'll change that mindset of mine,
because it's been nothing but harmful.
i'll find back the person you once knew where arguments rarely occurs.
and i would never give up on us.
we will get through anything together.
now that you're unwell,
i am worried about you.
i hope time permits me to visit you.
i would just like you to know that whenever i end my entry about you,
i meant every word that is being typed out.
and honey,
through it out,
i still love you.
and again,
thank you for loving me unconditionally.
