did i suka-suka take him back?
no, not that easy.
he had go through a lot,
mostly emotional pain and patience to prove that he's worthy of me.
i have an evil heart,
i am revengeful.
i made him go through similar to what i felt.
i pushed him to his limits.
until it comes to a point he can't take it.
if he is weak,
he would just give up and let me go.
what for go through the suffering just for me?
he needs to prove.
call me evil or heartless.
but it's a fair play.
once you know the pain,
you wouldn't do it again.
that's me.
i'm a disciplinarian.
imagine yourself in my shoes,
i am psychologically and emotionally hurt.
all that i believed in came crashing.
if i think about it,
tears would just flow.
because it made me feel unworthy and useless.
till now,
my self-esteem and confidence has been affected.
how can i recover easily?
i need time and numerous reassurance and support to pick myself back.
i need him to prove to me that he truly is regretful over what happened and ensure no such mistakes again.
and now i trust him not to repeat the mistake.
did i feel happy making him go through emotional pain?
no.
how can i have no feelings to hurt the one that i love?
it's a risk that i take,
a risk that i might lose him forever.
i want him to understand what he did to me,
how it made me feel.
it's a price to pay.
i know he went out of his wits.
trying all he could.
somehow, god made me feel his heart.
and make me realised.
enough is enough.
how long more should i 'torture' him?
till it was yesterday,
i opened up my heart to him and decided as a couple to make things work.
i can't bear to lose him.
i can't bear living my life without him,
the one (right at this moment, i am crying because i can't describe how much he means to me), the one that i feel right with.
the one that when i think of,
tears flow because i am truly grateful for him.
he gives me that strength to move on.
remember my ideal husband entry?
he's trying to achieve it,
all the qualities.
i don't ask for much.
just a pure sincere heart to love me wholeheartedly,
who can guide me closer to the Almighty.
i want to have a husband who would pray together,
and to salam him everytime we are done with our prayers.
god,
help me stop dwelling in the past.
and god,
through it all,
i am glad that i still have you,
you are indeed the Almighty.