the first few pic

remember this?
3 years back,
at jp's swensen.

i laughed at myself when i saw the ring on your finger.
remember how you slot it in my finger?
at esplanade.
we were about to meet our friends.
malu-malu kucing!
haha!
memories.
the lost ring.
haha.

goodness!
i can't believe we went through so many events together.
so many, many things we did together.
and i still can't believe.

what happened to me?

the song that i just added,
falling for you,
was what i felt years back.
i started falling for you after my 19th birthday celebration with you.
since then, that's when you asked me out for more dates.
but i guess the song describe us best when we were having lunch at imm.
we both know.

we were so silly, carefree and fun!
haha!

how come you're mine?

dad's day!

today is papa's birthday.
happy 52!
we had a small celebration for him to remember his special day.

my sister and i decided to decorate a cake for him.




the sisters at work


the end result of our creativity!


papa with her girls, excluding me.


papa blowing the candles using the straw.
his own idea,and i have no idea where the straw came from.


papa and his girls.

an old picture of me and papa.

my father,
who was known as papa since i was young is a person who made a big impact in my life.
the one who saves me from doing a thing that i would regret.
the one who loves me for who i am.
to end his night,
i gave him a peck on his forehead followed by a 'i love you'.
his love is true and unconditional.
he is my hero.

thanks papa,
for everything.

the money workshop!

so we signed up for a couple workshop.
*gulps*
which was mostly about $$$!
haha!
financial planning.
luckily we have similar priorities on how to spend our money.
maybe when i start earning then we can really plan about our financial status.



we spend some couple time walking aimlessly around town before decide to head home.
and how can i forget the goosebumps?
we slacked over for a little while at his house before he send me home.


my first happy moments for 29 aug 09 was in the bus.
an old man who wore a white polo tee, white pants, white cap had a suspender on.
i mean how often do you see people wearing suspender anymore?
what was cute was that he had a toothpick at the corner of his mouth.
the look of him made me smile.
he is a handsome, cute old man.
haha.

second happy moments was when i prayed terawih together with my parents.
somehow i feel relieved.
third happy moments was when ustaz talked to me.
seeing his reaction,
i know he is happy for me.

last happy moments was when i feel the partner and i are getting closer.
i hope he feels that way too.
and i can see he's trying.

anyway,
i think i get hooked to it already!
to what?
to scissors, paper, stone over the phone with the partner.
i've been losing all along.
but it's okay!
next time!

5 years

i just realised.
it has already been 5 years since i start blogging.
and i can foresee myself blogging for many more years to come.
even when i become a grandmother,
i will still blog to share my experience and my life.
insyaAllah.

when i first started out,
i had long sentences and entries describing my every move,
trying to recall what happened in a day.
and also,
i blog about my past love interest,
what i was going through that period of time.
when i read back,
i think it's boring.
haha.

slowly,
i evolved and started to questioned myself and made myself think.
and i managed to have a purpose for having a blog.

it was only in 2006 that i started to blog about the partner.
and how sweet it was when we both started.
it was unbelievable.
of course it was sweet,
there wasn't any arguments,
sparks were flying everywhere,
butterflies in the tummy,
excited to see one another,
make each other laugh and smile,
kept thinking of one another,
we were blind at each other imprefections,
we were still trying to impress one another all the time,
trying to be the most understanding person to one another.

well,
i guess that occurs to everyone when they first get to know each other better.
a normal process.
puppy love i should say.
give somemore time,
that's when the true personalities and imperfections starts to show.
then you would know whether the both of you are compatible with one another.
whether the both of you can stand one another.

when the years pass by,
the sweetness somehow become comfortable (trying to suit each other),
and slowly conflicts starts to occur.
but hey!
that's life.
when you have 2 people together,
there will be disagreements.
a good example would be parents, siblings, bestfriends.
if you want a peaceful life with no arguments,
live alone.

so what was different then and now?
then,
there wasn't any arguments
now,
there are arguments even at petty things.
then,
sparks were flying everywhere
now,
i guess the sparks has subside but it is still there.
then,
butterflies in the tummy
now,
hmmm.. i guess the butterflies has fly away.
then,
excited to see one another
now,
i am, and i know he is still excited to see me.
then,
make each other laugh and smile
now,
we still make one another laugh and smile.
then,
kept thinking of one another
now,
we still do.
then,
we were blind at each other imprefections
now,
we are blind at each other sacrifices.
then,
we were still trying to impress one another all the time
now,
we still impress one another at times.
then,
trying to be the most understanding person to one another
now,
it's about me, me, me and less you.
haha!
but we are still trying to be understanding to one another.

i should say,
our relationship has gone far.
beyond what we expected.
we have the time of our lives.
and i thought to myself,
what went wrong?
and i have to say,
no offence honey,
but i think
he's weak to give up just like that.

so now,
is he stronger?
ready than ever?
if yes,
thus,
we will have a better relationship.
insyaAllah.

start and end happily.
can our relationship be like that?
we started happily.
can we end (grow old together till we're dead) happily?
only time will tell.

see lah,
i side track too far.
i was supposed to blog about my 5 years anniversary of my blog.
this blog has managed to make me grow in ways i can't imagine and it's been a great comfort.
=)

happy 5th anniversary atirah.blogspot.com!

god help him see

the initial plan to go geylang with the partner and great kakis didn't happened since the partner is sick.
we break fast together and that's when he felt weak.
i don't blame him for falling sick.
and i'm fine not going even though he insist that i carry on with the plan.

i know i wouldn't enjoy myself knowing that the partner is sick and i'm out, not showing concern to him.
of course i wish to put him to sleep,
see him sleep on my lap and be right there for him,
to see if he needs anything,
caress his hair,
place wet towel on his forehead,
and so much more.
but as a girlfriend,
there are limits.

and so,
i just accompanied him home and made my way home.
even though he initated me to take a cab back,
i stubbornly refused.
and throughout the journey home,
i divert my attention to the songs i'm listening,
not to let myself think of unimportant stuff.

sacrifice.
that is love,
i thought.

have i done enough?

there was a period of time when the past catches up with me.
i crumbled down and cried.
i questioned myself,
am i not good enough?
all i know i do everything i could in the past, in the present and in the future.

god,
give me the strength to be the best i can.
please make him get better.
and make me feel worthy.

my happy moments for 28 aug is when i felt needed.
it's been so long since i felt that way.
and to experience that once again,
syukur alhamdulillah.

another happy moments was when we strolled hand in hand in my school campus from one end to the other.
it was just a walk,
so what?
but to me,
i find it comforting.

sweetheart,
get well soon.
just to let you know,
i wish to be there to take care and pamper you.

an email to make my day

i read something that was send by ahmad,
my soon-to-be fellow yec exco member.

it was an email filled with cute babies pictures with motivational words.
and it ended with:

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

now a question to myself.
is it true if you lose someone,
you tend to treasure them more?
will get back to the topic when i have more time.

anyway,
i will be going to geylang with the partner and a great bunch of people.
and things to buy are minyak attar!
hahah!
recently, the partner has started to use minyak attar,
after i told him the benefits of it!
some of the smell are really nice and sweet.
and what's great?
you don't need to wash up whenever you want to pray compared to perfume that contains alcohol!
last ramadan,
i bought myself 3 bottles of minyak attar,
and they are not finished yet.
new scents coming up!

now i gotta go and meet the partner in school!

1st video

my first time i post a video in my blog.
this is a touching video about a father and a son.
i guess,
we human lack of patience and control.
and in the end,
we regret our actions.

why does it become that way?
ask yourself.
maybe it's time you appreciate your parents.

strangely,
today when i woke up i miss japan's ambience.

scissors, paper, stone helps our phone conversations.
and i know there will be a day that i will win him!

starts and end your day happily.

happy moments for 27 aug

happy moments for 27 aug 09 was after a meeting, i drove myself to the roof-less carpark and admire the sky.
the half moon was blurry and so were the stars.
the clouds were fluffy.
for that few minutes,
i take in the scene presented upon me and praise the Almighty.

another happy moments was when i've managed to control the internal battle within my head.
i finally feel empowered and soon,
i will be back to normal.
insyaAllah.

another happy moments was when my yec vice chairman asked me about the upcoming postion for the new term.
i felt honoured.
syukur alhamdulillah.

i had a bad morning earlier.
for the first time in my life,
i don't feel like going to school.
i felt weak, sleepy and the thought of having an undone tutorial assignment brings me down.
not that i never start it earlier,
i did.
but whatever i was reading doesn't make any sense to me.
the journal articles were pretty bad.
i hope my mind will be clearer to comprehend the articles next time.
but it's alright,
i've had my happy moments later in the day.

right now,
i am still lethargic.
thank goodness lecture starts at 4pm tomorrow.

currently,
i've been keeping myself busy with online research.
it will get intense with time.
haha!

no doubt people can change for the better,
if they do,
will it be a sincere change that last forever?
can i?
can you?
can they?

i think i know

dear readers,
i think i might know why some of you remain anonymous while reading my blog.
was it because you are afraid that i might judge you?
of who you are?
and that by revealing yourself,
you are being labelled as a busybody?
haha.
then i am also a busybody,
i read other people blogs too.
i think something about blog is it is public.
everyone can read.
unless you specify that it is private, so it is restricted.
there are reasons why people blog.
but i assure you that i am not blogging to show off and brag about my life.
i am just trying to 'record' down the moments in my life that spur emotions to me.
at times to motivate myself and make myself think about life and value it.
and i hope by blogging,
my children might be able to understand that i went through similar teenagers experiences.
to have a closer bonding with them.
=)

well,
i am really keen to know you guys.
i've managed to establish new friendships through my blog,
and it's pretty exciting to know new people.
=)

so if you think you are ready to 'expose' yourself,
you are welcome.
=)
peace!

happy moments for 26 aug 09

happy moments for 26 aug 09 was the time i break fast.
quiet moment.

right now,
i'm craving for kaya toast, half boiled eggs and a cup of tea.

now now now,
i really need to focus on the bloody reading!

happy moments for 24th and 25th aug

let me recall what happy moments i encountered on monday, 24th aug.

i teased my grandma during buka!

yeah!

that was it!

=)

and also discuss something soooo interesting over the net with him.

tuesday, 25th aug happy moments was when i had crepes!

i purposely tempt the partner with a sms filled with CREPEScrepesCREPEScrepesCREPEScrepesCREPEScrepesCREPEScrepes!

hahah!

and it worked!

i know his weaknesses,

blamed it on the years that i've tried understanding him.

the crepes wasn't that fantastic as the ones we had in japan (below).

papa crepe's was yummy, heavenly at the first bite!

apart from the crepes,

we walked round and round aimlessly at the basement 3 (i think) of ion orchard to get a drink.

i have to admit,

i am clumsy.

he should know how clumsy i am.

and i hope my clumsiness entertain him.

yesterday,

while checking out my parking,

i remembered pushing the button to wind the window down.

so i thought the window was winding down by itself,

and i confidently turn my face and *piak* hit my face on the window.

luckily, the partner didn't see it but unfortunately, he heard it and started laughing at his girlfriend.

before our adventure for crepes,

i break fast with his parents yesterday over at his house.

only the 3 of us excluding him since he was at work.

i thought it was going to be awkward but it wasn't.

they keep asking me to take some more food so that i can gain some weight.

haha.

right now,

i should catch up on my sleep so i'll be fresh for lectures later!

the climb he had to take

did i suka-suka take him back?

no, not that easy.

he had go through a lot,

mostly emotional pain and patience to prove that he's worthy of me.

i have an evil heart,

i am revengeful.

i made him go through similar to what i felt.

i pushed him to his limits.

until it comes to a point he can't take it.

if he is weak,

he would just give up and let me go.

what for go through the suffering just for me?

he needs to prove.

call me evil or heartless.

but it's a fair play.

once you know the pain,

you wouldn't do it again.

that's me.

i'm a disciplinarian.

imagine yourself in my shoes,

i am psychologically and emotionally hurt.

all that i believed in came crashing.

if i think about it,

tears would just flow.

because it made me feel unworthy and useless.

till now,

my self-esteem and confidence has been affected.

how can i recover easily?

i need time and numerous reassurance and support to pick myself back.

i need him to prove to me that he truly is regretful over what happened and ensure no such mistakes again.

and now i trust him not to repeat the mistake.

did i feel happy making him go through emotional pain?

no.

how can i have no feelings to hurt the one that i love?

it's a risk that i take,

a risk that i might lose him forever.

i want him to understand what he did to me,

how it made me feel.

it's a price to pay.

i know he went out of his wits.

trying all he could.

somehow, god made me feel his heart.

and make me realised.

enough is enough.

how long more should i 'torture' him?

till it was yesterday,

i opened up my heart to him and decided as a couple to make things work.

i can't bear to lose him.

i can't bear living my life without him,

the one (right at this moment, i am crying because i can't describe how much he means to me), the one that i feel right with.

the one that when i think of,

tears flow because i am truly grateful for him.

he gives me that strength to move on.

remember my ideal husband entry?

he's trying to achieve it,

all the qualities.

i don't ask for much.

just a pure sincere heart to love me wholeheartedly,

who can guide me closer to the Almighty.

i want to have a husband who would pray together,

and to salam him everytime we are done with our prayers.

god,

help me stop dwelling in the past.

and god,

through it all,

i am glad that i still have you,

you are indeed the Almighty.

that day which lives are almost lost.

i came home bloated and almost vomitted.

i ate too full that there's no empty space for me to breathe.

i was just stuck in a position and i seek comfort by leaning my body towards his.

throughout the journey home,

while he was driving,

i rest my head on his shoulder and hear him sing songs that put me to sleep.

i am just too comfortable with him.

happy moments for 23rd august 09 is when we made things work.

i will remember this day for life.

just to be clear,

it doesn't take me a day to make that decision.

i've been considering about it for a month.

and eventually today,

we had a tearful conversation with one another to express ourselves.

and we've come to a conclusion,

we need one another to make our life better,

we still love one another.

just that at times,

our pride and ego gets in the way.

another happy moment was when we explore ion at orchard.

we were pretty pleased that there's crepes!

we automatically smile widely to one another upon seeing it.

and while walking through the stores,

it reminded us back in japan.

how much he wanted to go back there together.

it felt so good again to know that we're sure.

we decided to have swensen's ice cream buffet!

and god!

we became lazy after stuffing the sweet ice cream into our mouth.

throughout the dessert,

i can see his eyes sparkled like a child's.

i know he enjoyed his first time there.

our first.

our second.

and us.

he opened another 2 of his transformers to let me transform and play with it.

we had a great time being kids pushing our cars and doing stunts with it and came up with silly rules for our games.

if only he could see himself in my eyes,

he would know the reasons why.

god,

please show us the way.

i hope our decisions have your blessings in it.

make us realised how much we meant for one another.

cause it is in you we trust.

told

he might hate me for blogging about this.
so be it.
this is my blog,
it's my rights to blog about whatever i want.

he told me,
he regretted what had happened.
he is ashamed of what people think of him. (this would add in more shame since people are going to read this)

now he can see the consequences of his actions?

he wants a second chance.
i have 2 options to that.
either to accept or reject the request.

i simply never believe in second chance.
it's like you have one and only chance,
prove yourself well.

then again,
there was once that i failed in my studies,
but i never give up and eventually that lead me to another chance.
there might be times when second chance do come,
so what you gotta do?
work harder!
it won't be as simple as the first one.

it's like you've failed,
you try harder don't you?
ignore what others have to say and have faith in yourself to prove yourself worthy.
the word 'giving up' never exist if you truly believe in second chances.
but can he do that?

he told me,
he read my blog every day.
and there are moments when his emotions are being spur.
due to happiness, at times sadness, and sometimes touched by my entries.

he told me,
the reasons why he loves me.
but i can't remember much since it was too overwhelming for me to take it in.
if you are reading this,
could you email me the reasons again?

i know when i fall in love,
there are risks that i am taking.
there are challenges to overcome.
he's been trying ways to win me again but i'm being hard.
and that might even make him lose hope.
i even had to ask my bestfriend,
"do you think he loves me?"
and she gave me a look that says don't-be-stupid-it's-so-obvious,
followed by "yes, he does."

is this one of the greatest challenges that the both of us have to overcome together to prove that we still love each other?
was our years of being together strong enough?
can love overcome any challenges?
wait.
not that.
can true love overcome any challenges?
do the love we shared is true?

i know him.
he is someone who learns things the hard way.
is this the hardest lesson he ever learnt?

if it is and he is sincere about it and truly regret what he did,
god,
soften my heart to let him in and give him courage to prove himself worthy in my eyes.

to you,
if you meant every word that you said,
pray to the Almighty for us.

happy moments for 21 and 22 aug

happy moments for 21st aug 09 was when i went for ice cream buffet at ion's swensen.
it makes me feel like i'm a kid again being able to have the freedom to choose which flavors i love to have.
i had 11 scoops of it.
most of it were sticky chewy chocolate and lime sherbet!
i wish to have more but i gotta go for dance practice.
next time!

happy moments for 22nd aug 09 happened in the wee hours of the morning.
it was spoken words.

happy fasting to all muslims!
=)

slowly smiling

my heart is slowly beaming with joy.

i want to be that girl who glows,
and radiate happiness to people.

i am feeling it,
soon it will be time.

things are looking better

i am grateful for this blog,
it helps me connect to kind souls who are known as my readers.
throughout the years i blog,
you guys helped me out with your encouraging words and support.
thank you very much dear readers!

now,
things are looking better.
things to look forward to.
and i even have a new meaning in life.

time will tell things that i've been hiding.

the will to survive

right at this moment,
i can't comprehend my thoughts and feelings.

i feel like i'm dead.
when history catches up with me,
before my eyes get watery, i divert my attention to something else.
so this is what to be said when the past haunts you.

i need extra support.
and time to lessen the pain.
but with it, can i really let go?

i hope all of my readers won't have to go through what i am/had to go through.
it's too painful.
and please readers,
never hurt another soul.
because once you 'killed' them,
it might be too late to ask for forgiveness because things can never return back to normal.
i can never go back to normal as much as i want to.

seriously,
i am afraid that i might become mentally ill.
i have debates within my own mind to be strong.

while typing this out,
i am trying hard not to tear.
i sound like a troubled person.
haha.
maybe i am.
i even considered visiting the counselling centre.
but can they even help?
because no matter what they say,
it all lies in me.

god,
help me through.
i am going to get better given time.
=)
no way,
i am going to fail His challenges.
i know i can do it!

anyway,
let me think of the happy moments i have earlier for 20 aug 09.
i had a feel good conversation.
the longest conversation and i actually enjoyed it.

happy moments 19 aug 09

happy moments for today,
the 19th aug 09 is when i kissed my mom's forehead and opened the door for my dad.
=)

weight issue

at this point of time,
my weight is a concern to a number of people,
especially my grandma.

i have no idea how i lose weight,
i didn't even know how much i lose.
and people has been commenting that i should gain back some weight.
i've asked shikin to help me out,
and her reply was "how? you're eating so much lah"
haha!
i agree with her,
i still eat whatever i want.

normally in the past,
when i was stressed,
i gained weight till my face is round.
now,
i don't know what happened.
i am still stressed but instead of gaining,
i'm losing.

my current weight.
well, in a way i feel good that i can fit in most of my old clothings.
but i have to point out that my tummy is still there!
for now, i am not planning to lose anymore weight.
either i maintain this weight or gain some.
since my elderlies have been commenting so much about it.

so now,
i have to eat eat eat.
but fasting month is coming,
how to gain?
*suddenly remembers*
the raya season!
when delicious array of dishes would be prepared and every house visits, without failed would have food!

just about weight itself,
people are not satisfied.
then imagined if i gained weight,
then who knows they want me to shed it off?
aiyah!
susah la hidup!

what matters most is that i'm healthy.
not only physically but also mentally.
so get me back to normal mode.
where i am balanced in both.
=)

happy moments for 19 aug 09 haven't occur yet.
maybe later at home or something?

the wish

i woke up with a bad stomach pain,
i thought i needed to go to the toilet until i realised it's a stomach cramp.
it has been so long since i had a bad pain when i have my period.

and by blogging,
i thought i would take my mind off the pain and focus on what has been happening with my life.

all i have to say is that the Almighty answers my prayers and show me guidance.
and i am truly grateful.
true enough,
He knows what is best for me.

i, now, have to cherish the time i have with my family members.
the ones who already knows what kind of person i am and still never fail to provide support.
i promise until the last breath of my life that i would try to make them lead a better, meaningful life.
they have all sacrifice a lot for me.
why is it so?
because they love me no matter how ugly i am.
they have been through it all,
and they are still not giving up on me.
now i can understand why the Almighty make me born in this family.
i have a loving and concerned parents who tire themselves to ensure their children lead a better life, and siblings who make me realised that it's a joy to have someone to disturb and tease with.
not forgetting my grandma who have done so much for me, something that i can't repay.

i still have so many things to learn, to practice and work towards.
and i hope to never slack,
but to give off my best in everything that i do.

my love life.
it has been something that i always believed in.
i think i talk a little too much that the Almighty has decided to show me a lesson.
i made mistakes too.
i know one thing i'm certain of,
i never made up any of it,
what i experienced is true.
we had the best times of our lives.
like what he said,
our love is unbelievable.
and i ask you, readers,
how often do you get that kind of love?

on how my love life is going on?
i don't dare to say.

i think i should head back to sleep since the pain has subside.
hope it don't come back.

god helps those who help themselves.

happy moments 17, 18 aug

happy moments for 17 aug 09,
the night when egos and pride were set aside,
just like we once knew.

happy moments for 18 aug 09,
when i woke up and look at the sky,
i was greeted by a bright crescent moon and a star,
side by side,
complimenting each other against the vast navy sky.
it was a perfect sight.

somehow,
i believe the Almighty has answered my prayers,
and i can see a path.
HE knows what's best for me.

i don't like it when people think they know what happened.
if you know what happened,
ask yourself,
is your life perfect that you can judge on my life?
because seriously,
i myself don't know what happened, how it happened, why it happened.
how can you know then?
for those who had asked,
it is not that i am not sharing.
but i just don't know.

don't get it wrong about the above paragraph,
i am not angry.
i just don't like being judged.
see,
i don't have a perfect life afterall.
i'm just going through life as it is and accept embrace every challenges that i've faced.
i am like any other people,
with feelings, desires, thoughts, etc.

have a good tuesday everyone!
=)

happy moments 16 aug

happy moments for 16 aug,
when i go back to the familiar place,
a place i call home.
=)

retreat to batam

*yawns*

i have to meet up the others in an hour time.
but i haven't pack my bag.
aiyah, wear the same clothes for the whole day lah!

my body's aching, my eyes are heavy, and i keep yawning.
but it's okay,
i know i'll be perked up later with their presence!

happy moments of 15 aug 09
when i saw the clip on my FB,
christian the lion.
i felt happy that i've cried. (that my sis can just stare and laugh)
i want to feel that way again,
that touch which speaks of love.

i'll be back tomorrow evening.
=)
till then,
take care and enjoy your weekend!

14 aug happy moment

it was just pass midnight when i discovered my happy moments for 14 aug 09.

i was introduced to a gadget that made me beam like a silly girl.
it was oh so cool!
now i've got a motivation to study well for the astronomy module!
i was amazed at how far the laser pointer can go!
it can even point to the stars!
total coolness la!!!

from the above paragraph,
you can sense how excited and happy i was!
haha!
i am still amazed by the gadget!

and i've just remember!
another happy moment!
i think i witness a shooting star early 14 august 09.
not sure though,
but it looks like a ray of light falling down at a very fast speed.
it caught me by surprise.
alhamdulillah i get to see it.

happy moments

okay,
i was on my way to school when i decided to add a new section to my blog.
it is called the
what made me happy today?

and i think i should do that to make sure that one particular time in the 24 hours, i am happy.

yesterday,
12 august 09,
what made me happy was a conversation i had with z.

me: how come you don't wear your pendant anymore?
z: i don't wear it anymore because i think it brings me bad luck.
me: huh? what bad luck?
z: (it's obvious that z wanted to divert the attention, not answering my question) because the string smell lah.

then i think to myself,
how can the string smell brings bad luck?
since z doesn't want to answer me,
i assumed,
who cares? as long as it makes me happy.
so what had happened was a bad luck lah?
maybe it was because z wasn't with me,
so it's wasn't the pendant that brought z bad luck.
it was me, the good luck charm was gone.
z,
true a not?
haha!

today,
13 august 09
happy moments was when i had a good home cooked lunch over at suliza's house.

the weather has been so hot!
and my fan is spoil.
what perfect timing!

i wanted to ask my readers.
how come you guys don't tag as your name?
do you guys have blogs too???
i am interested to know more about you guys.
=)

curious

i know,
most of you are curious.
and hope that i'll update this blog of mine.

i think it's not appropriate to share it now.
maybe because,
i, myself is unsure what had happened.

anyway,
school has been good.
alhamdullilah.
just tiring.

and finally,
i've managed to learn about something that i really interested in.
astronomy!
there will be star-gazing sessions!
i am always awed by the stars, sun, moon, the universe.
amazing.
i've always look at stars blindly,
but with this module,
at least i could understand the different things in the sky.
=)

2009.
really really terrible.
2008.
really really good.
it was such a change.
and it was hard for me to cope.
my luck has been down the drain.
but the Almighty is showing me something.

soon,
i'll have a retreat with my yec committee!
=)

dear readers,
thank you for your concern.
i really really appreciate it.
thank you guys!
and i know you guys are surprised.
well,
let's hope for the best!
=)

a new beginning.

a new beginning.

i was too blinded by love.
that i ate myself.

insyaAllah,
god will show me a path.

great lunch

great lunch at a new place with funny people followed by a good walk.
that's my saturday!

i was revived.

i deserve the rights.

think before you leap.
why must you do that?
come on, be a human,
have a thought for the other.

previously experienced.

i've come to a stage which i had previously experienced.
haha.
it's unexpected.
and it's funny too.

gosh,
what was i thinking?
haha!

cannot, cannot, cannot.
but why cannot?
i think can what.

nurul, nurul.
*shakes head*

can i?

i felt something that i never felt before in a very long, long time.
and it makes me think.
is it worth it?
should i ignore it?
or is it just the same cycle?

away from it,
i've been morbid lately,
well,
i've been morbid for quite sometime.
and if it's not for the Almighty,
i would have been dead.

i've changed.
i wasn't the girl i used to be,
the one who thinks that she can strived for anything,
even the impossible.
now i just feel like giving up when the obstacles get tough.
and i wonder,
what causes me this way?
my mental state has been haywire.
how can i incur this disease?
can i ever recover from it?

this is life, my dad says.
and like my ustaz said there are 4 stages of life we had to go through.
from my understanding,
currently,
we are in the second which is the destruction stage.
life on earth is nothing but destruction,
we suffer a lot in this stage and we have to use our faith and brain to tackle it well.
and i have to say,
i have so much more to learn,
and do i have enough time to be the person i visualise myself to be?

so this is life, i said.
it is indeed ugly and at times, painful.
the problem with me is,
if i'm given a paper to write,
i want it to be error free.
once i've made a mistake on a piece of paper,
i don't know how to beautify or decorate or even conceal it,
instead i'll get myself a new piece of paper,
and ensure myself the mistakes won't happened again.
the only time that i would only beautify the mistakes is when i'm left with no other paper.
i think right now, i am running out of papers.
it has come to a time when i need to accept the mistakes and beautify it.

acceptance,
i need to have that instill in my mind.
because if i'm living in denial,
how far can i go pretending?

god,
give me the wisdom to make my life a better one.

what you know

what you think i don't know might be something that i know.

so,
if you think i don't know,
it's fine with me.
but remember god always know.

you can lie to me since i am only human.
but can you lie to god?

i always believe that the truth will be out one day.
how?
by evidences.
so if you want to lie to a human,
you need to be smart at hiding your evidences.
if not,
don't lie at all,
save yourself from the guilt and explainations just to cover up your mistakes.

people live each day as it is.
but have you ever learnt something from it and make your life more insightful?

why does it happens after i sleep?

i woke up feeling melancholy followed by an uneasy feeling,
and i noticed that it normally happens after i sleep.
just like yesterday,
before my afternoon nap,
i was in a good mood i should say,
however after the nap,
i woke up with unhappy and uneasy feelings.

it occurs after i sleep.
why?
there might be 3 possibilities.
first up,
it might be that god is trying to show/tell me something.
or it could be the devils trying to influence the way i think.
third possible reason is that i simply do not have enough sleep.
i sleep less than 5 hours a day.
and i have afternoon nap to make it up for the hours.
i found something in the net,

"Activity in parts of the brain that control emotions, decision-making processes, and social interactions is drastically reduced during deep sleep, suggesting that this type of sleep may help people maintain optimal emotional and social functioning while they are awake."

so since i have lesser deep sleep,
i can't maintain my emotional well?
hmmm.
could be.
but i'm not buying it since they are just suggesting.
it goes on,

"If sleep deprivation continues, hallucinations and mood swings may develop."

and on,

"Extreme sleep deprivation can lead to a seemingly psychotic state of paranoia and hallucinations in otherwise healthy people."

so now i'm asking,
is it deep sleep or enough sleep that i need?
something like,
is it the quality or the quantity of sleep?

then i found out something,

"Sleep proceeds in cycles of REM and NREM, the order normally being N1 → N2 → N3 → N2 → REM. There is a greater amount of deep sleep (stage N3) early in the night, while the proportion of REM sleep increases later in the night and just before natural awakening"

so if it says that i need deep sleep,
i don't need to sleep long since it occurs early in the night,
however,
how early is early?
after 30 mins, an hour of sleep to get to the deep sleep stage?
so again, quality or quantity?

the more i read,
more questions pop up,
and the more confusing i get.
and i guess you guys are confused too!
right now,
i'm getting sleepy.
i should sleep and see if i still have this uneasy feeling when i wake up.

so what's the reason of me waking up with an uneasy, sad feeling and having ideas of what could happened to a particular something?
still no answer.
gah gah gah!

okay,
good morning!

when all i wish for

i still have yet to grasp myself.

sometimes i feel like giving up and letting everything go,
sometimes i laughed and enjoyed myself way too much,
sometimes i cry at the smallest matter,
sometimes i do the wrong thing at the wrong time.
sometimes i talked a little too much,
sometimes i feel angry at how people treat me,
sometimes i feel upset knowing things could have been better,
sometimes i irritated people without me knowing,
sometimes i find joy in making my loved ones laugh,
sometimes i feel my heart shattered when i cause my loved ones pain,
sometimes i smiled at myself just by looking at the sky,
sometimes i think how i can contribute and help the society,
sometimes i wish people can be genuine,
sometimes, sometimes, sometimes.....

the list will never end.

how can people understand me if i can't understand myself?

finding peace

now i know what to do to find peace and happiness.
=)

and it really works!

hot late night shower

it is almost 2 in the morning.
and i don't have the mood to go to sleep yet.

i am planning to have a hot late night shower,
follow by a talk with the Almighty to clear my mind off things.

anyway,
the partner and i went to ion for the first time.
and i wished we had a longer time to explore the whole shopping mall.
it's okay,
next time okay hun?
it seems to have a lot of shops and the interior looks kinda cool.

the both of us had to use our brain cells for a mini debate we had.
i have to admit it was fun trying to think of points and evidences to support our points.
i hope more to come!

ice cream was good!
=)

god,
now i know how it is like.
it's simply speechless.

questions to god

god,
don't ever make me go to that extend,
make my conscience work before i hurt many other people.

god,
are you telling me something?

god,
i hope whatever i'm doing is worthwhile.

god,
do i deserve this?

god,
getting angry/upset over something couldn't replace the path that you guided me to.
thank you for being there always.
you are always fair,
the rewards, punishments might not be on earth but the Hereafter.

god,
make me control my actions.

god,
can a mistake be repeated?

god,
i'm thankful for your blessings.

god,
_____________?

god,
no wonder you're the Almighty,
you know everything,
and in You, i trust.

uneasy feeling

something came over me,
hatiku sayu sekali.
which makes me ponder,
no matter how much i asked and tried to solve it,
i can't.
it's only Allah s.w.t. who has the answer.

time will tell.
i'll just take things as it goes and leave it to HIM.

all i know,
be thankful for what i have cause i may never know when it will be gone.
life on earth is just temporary.

god, make me strong and let there be peace in my heart.
make them understand.

it's already august.